Onwaachige the Dreamer Read online

  Another clash of lighting from an ominous storm interrupted their passionate embrace.

  “What in the name of God are you doing to my son!” a hysterical voice shouted from the front door.

  Joshua and Cody looked to Pastor Bob as he stood there with a horrified expression. Joshua had never seen such revulsion before, even from his mother. In that moment, the deception was over. Though Cody had managed to convince his father at camp that his relationship with Joshua was all just a misunderstanding, there was no way to explain away this kiss. The two had been caught red-handed.

  Another clash of thunder, followed instantly by a brilliant flash of light, erased the remainder of that evening from Joshua’s thoughts, and Joshua woke up, realizing in his waking state, what he already knew from his dream: that none of it had happened. At least, not yet.

  Now awake, Joshua was no longer in his bedroom. Instead, he sat at the back of the troop bus—tired, depressed, and alone—on his way back from the hellish week he had just had at summer camp. As he looked out the window, he saw an endless stream of billboards advertising hotels and fast food, unmistakable signs of civilization. It was a strange sensation. At camp, he was cut off from the larger world. He wondered briefly what might be going on in the news since he had been gone. Then he remembered the last thing he heard on the radio right before leaving for camp. The news reported that the killers of a gay teen, someone named Matthew Shepard, were being put on trial. Or something like that. Civilization indeed. Joshua looked away from the window, trying to snap out of his disturbing thoughts. Instead he looked forward and immediately saw Cody sitting next to Pastor Bob at the front of the bus. Pastor Bob wouldn’t let the two sit anywhere near each other on the ride back. Joshua was also forbidden to sit anywhere near his other friends as well. He heard Robby crying a few rows in front of him, still in shock from having killed Levi. Joshua had comforted Robby back at camp after the incident as he cried and shook uncontrollably for hours, while the two talked to the cops about what had happened. Now Robby sat with Nick and Timmy, part of Joshua’s former entourage of friends, who consoled him the entire way back.

  Joshua needed to find a way to talk with Cody before they arrived back at home. Since he couldn’t do that in person, with Pastor Bob vigilantly guarding his son, Joshua had thought about sneaking a note to Cody, asking that the two meet up later that night when it was safe. But after the ominous dream he had just had, Joshua knew he had to avoid contact with Cody at all costs. Joshua had come to believe his dreams were a curse, but at the same time, they could be quite useful. They showed him things, sometimes good, sometimes bad. They revealed to him fragments of the future and fragments of the past. But Joshua finally understood that they weren’t just prophetic. They didn’t have to come true. In this case, he could use the knowledge he gained from them to avoid something terrible, something unthinkable.

  Cody would die; Joshua had seen it in his dreams. It had happened. Or at least, it would happen if Joshua tried to have any contact with Cody. And he understood why. As bad as things were between Joshua and his mother, it was nothing compared to the relationship between Cody and Pastor Bob. If Pastor Bob got even a hint that Cody was gay, it would be over for him. So how could Joshua ever be with Cody again? He was a fool for having dared to dream it possible. Love could be quite blinding. But his dreams provided a much sharper foresight. It simply wasn’t possible for him to be careful enough with Cody. His dreams had shown him that. As long as Joshua was with Cody, one or the other of them was bound to slip up, and Pastor Bob would discover his own son was gay. And Joshua would then lose Cody forever.

  The thought of losing Cody was horrifying, but not as much so as the disturbing alternative. Joshua had to cut off all contact with Cody. He could never see him again. Not if he truly loved Cody, not if he wanted him to live. At least Cody would have Robby to confide in, and Nick and Timmy as well. They knew the truth about Cody, after all, and they would look out for him and for each other. But add Joshua to the equation, his dreams were clearly warning him, and everything would change. Joshua couldn’t let that happen to Cody. Not if he loved him.

  Joshua couldn’t believe he was even entertaining these thoughts. It was all because of his cursed dreams. He was Onwaachige, his grandfather informed him. That was his name, or one of them at least. It meant “He Whose Dreams Come True.” And the manitous, the spirits who presided over all things, had repeatedly confirmed the validity of that identity to him. Earlier in the summer, back on the reservation, he had dreamt about participating in a competition powwow, and that had come true. He had then dreamt about the deep, dark secret that his mother kept from him, about her illicit and tawdry affair with Pastor Martin back on the reservation, and that had turned out to be true. And at camp, his dreams had revealed to him the horrifying past of Tommy Drapos and the true nature of the demon who had killed him so many decades ago. And now his dreams were warning him to stay away from Cody. How could he disregard them after all he had seen? How could he dismiss such a vivid and ominous warning?

  Then Joshua remembered his other name. He was Pukawiss the Outcast. Perhaps he was destined to be alone forever. He wouldn’t ordinarily be happy with such a destiny, but in this case, it meant that Cody would live. That was a destiny Joshua could embrace. And with that, he determined that when the bus arrived back in Rockford, he would never see his friends again, never see Cody again. That meant he had to do one simple thing.

  Joshua’s planning came to an abrupt end as someone unexpectedly sat down next to him at the back of the bus. It was Ben Johnson, Pastor Bob’s assistant scoutmaster. But he had proven himself to be nothing like Pastor Bob. Joshua didn’t know him very well, but Ben had been good to him at camp, even when everyone else had turned on him.

  “Joshua,” Ben said gently. “I just want you to know that I’m here for you if you need anything.”

  “Yes, I do,” Joshua responded, the tears in his eyes replaced by a renewed sense of purpose.

  Pastor Johnson was so caught off guard by the immediacy of Joshua’s response that he ignored him and continued. “No, really,” he said, “I’m available at the church anytime, and if you need any—”

  “Yes, I need something,” Joshua interrupted.

  Ben looked surprised, as though he wasn’t expecting Joshua to open up to him so quickly.

  “I’m here to help,” Ben said, perplexed. “What do you need?”

  “I need to go home,” Joshua informed him.

  “Yes, of course. We’ll arrive back in Rockford any moment now,” Ben told him. “We’re almost there.”

  “No,” Joshua said emphatically. “I need your help getting home.”

  It was obvious that Ben didn’t know what Joshua meant by that, but he had already committed himself to something. He just didn’t know what.

  But Joshua did. He didn’t like that his plan depended on someone else, especially someone so close to Pastor Bob. But maybe it was about time a man of God actually helped him for a change. And Ben was just the guy to do it.

  JOSHUA LEFT the campgrounds of the reservation town, where he had spent the night, and hiked up a lonely gravel road through the majestic woods of northern Wisconsin. It was lonely only in the sense that he had no human companions. But the road through the reservation forest was alive with the activities of numerous birds and animals, enjoying a respite from human activity. Already he had spotted a red fox, two deer, and an eagle flying high overhead. He greeted them as he passed by, and tried to recall the Ojibwe word for each. For now, Joshua was quite content with these nonhuman companions. He needed a respite from human activity himself.

  It was a good plan. He had convinced Ben Johnson to give him some money, which he used to buy a bus ticket from Rockford to the reservation. So while all the other kids from camp went straight home after arriving in Rockford, Joshua made his way to the bus station. Of course, Ben would not have done any of this if Joshua had told him what the money was for, that he in fact planned to
run away with it. And though Ben had asked, he gave in to Joshua’s silent response. Ben knew what Joshua had been through at summer camp, and if a few bucks would make him feel better, Ben was happy to oblige. It only later occurred to Joshua how much trouble Ben could get into for his favor, but Joshua wasn’t thinking about consequences at the time. He was just thinking about saving the life of Cody, his friend, his boyfriend.

  Joshua was surprised as he approached an empty parking lot just as the sun started to rise above the horizon. Typically, he ran the distance from the campgrounds to this destination, but this time he had walked it, and so he hadn’t expected to arrive so quickly. He felt a bit better now too. Communing with nature had left Joshua with a sense of peace that soothed his emotional pain. But there was something else that had been therapeutic about this walk. It was as though fate itself approved of his destination, nudging him forward with every step.

  Joshua never imagined he could be so happy to see a parking lot, but this one was something special. It was the parking lot to Wiigwaas Village, the recreated Ojibwe attraction that his grandfather had created and now operated on the reservation in northern Wisconsin. The last time he had been at the village was the night of his naming ceremony, which his mother had interrupted to drag him to Rockford. It was a night Joshua could never forget. But that didn’t matter now. His mother was hours away in Rockford, and he was home on the Rez. And best of all, she had no idea he was gone.

  Joshua didn’t know what time it was, but he guessed it had to be about 6:00 a.m. It was in the high fifties, a lot cooler than his last visit to the reservation. He had only been gone for a few weeks, but already summer temperatures were giving way to the cool fall weather.

  Joshua had arrived on the reservation the night before. It was about 9:00 p.m. when he pulled into the bus stop and greeted the Rez once again. But his plan didn’t tell him what to do after that. He hadn’t thought that far ahead. It was as though getting to the reservation was enough, and everything would take care of itself from there. But there was more to it than that. Where was he supposed to go? He couldn’t go home to Gentle Eagle’s house. After all, Gentle Eagle would have no choice but to inform his mother that Joshua had run away from home and was back on the reservation. And Joshua couldn’t blame him for that. He’d be an accomplice to… well, Joshua didn’t know what crime his grandfather would be committing, but he didn’t want to get Gentle Eagle in trouble.

  So Joshua had made his way instead to the reservation campgrounds next to the lake where he had spent the summer running and practicing his Fancy Dance. There were always plenty of campers there, and Joshua had looked like any one of them. He had even sat with a few tourists, taking in the warmth of their campfire, pretending to be just another camper. No one was the wiser for it. That had at least gotten him through the night. And when he woke up that morning, he’d hiked straight to the village where he could hide out. But for how long? How was he supposed to eat? He’d eventually have to tell someone he was there.

  Joshua put aside these unnerving thoughts as he took in the sights and sounds of the village. First he walked to the Trading Post, the old rustic cabin where he had spent so much time with Gentle Eagle, checking in visitors and talking with his grandfather. It was so peaceful as it stood there bathed in the early morning mist.

  His serenity was interrupted by a disturbing thought. The college interns who assisted with running the village might be waking up soon and would likely discover him if he didn’t hide. He shouldn’t be out in the open. So he made his way to the village lake, where he had spent so much time with Mokwa, and where his naming ceremony had taken place. It was located at the end of the village, beyond which was the immensity of Wisconsin’s northern forests. The interns would have no reason to go out to the lake, Joshua figured, as visiting tourists were never taken out that far. The interns focused their morning activities on preparing breakfast for themselves at their campsite before setting things up throughout the village in preparation for the visitors. So Joshua would be safe at the lake for a while at least.

  As he approached the lakefront, a flood of pleasant memories rushed through his thoughts. This was where he had spent his first day with Mokwa, where the two had swum naked in the lake, and where Joshua had fallen so in love with him. It was amazing to Joshua how quickly things had changed. When he was with Mokwa, it had never occurred to him that he could ever love anyone else. But only weeks later, he had met Cody at summer camp and fallen deeply in love with him as well. How could you love two different people at nearly the same time? But Joshua believed he was over Mokwa now. The affection that he and Cody had shared was so much better than a mere schoolboy crush. And besides, his feelings for Mokwa had evolved into something much more brotherly. At least, that’s what he told himself.

  But the village lake was also the source of Joshua’s greatest pain. It was where he had his naming ceremony, the very same night his mother tore him from the reservation. As he arrived at the lake, he looked around and could still see the charred remains of the woodpiles from the campfire that had illuminated his ceremony. For a moment, he could see the flames still flickering as they shot glowing embers upward, touching the sky, preparing to announce his identity to the manitous, to the cosmos. Then it had all been ruined as his mother stepped in and committed a terrible affront to everything that he was, to everything that he was becoming.

  Joshua sat down by the lake and let the stream of thoughts and emotions come and go. He soaked them in, holding each in a mental spotlight, then releasing it in preparation for the next in line. But as confusing and painful as his thoughts were for him right now, he took solace in the fact that he was home once again and the way that made him feel was anything but confusing. As he gazed at the light mist floating silently across the early morning lake, he felt an overwhelming sense of serenity, as though the manitous were reassuring him that everything was going to be okay. Maybe they were right. And that little moment of peace was what was so magical, so miraculous about this place.

  It seemed awkward to feel this good after everything that had happened to him. But as he sat there, the traumatic memories of the previous week at summer camp started to fade, and with them went all the associated darkness. For once, when Joshua thought about Cody, it was without an unbearable urge to cry. It was as though he were looking down on himself from above, from a higher perspective. He closed his eyes and allowed that sensation to overtake him.

  With his eyes shut tight, and with the manitous at his side, he was pulled into a vivid daydream. He floated gently over the lake, and then halfway across, he flew. He saw himself sitting at the lakefront below—small, quiet, and in pain—and he told himself it would be ok. Everything would be okay.

  Seconds later, Joshua opened his eyes feeling calm and centered. It felt as though nothing could ever hurt him again. Still, he didn’t know what to do next. He needed a plan. But at least whatever was coming, he could face it. Nothing could disturb this perfect calm.

  “Welcome back, Pukawiss!” came a familiar shout from behind, pulling Joshua from his daydream. The voice was followed by the forceful sound of footprints impacting the muddy lakefront as someone quickly approached. Joshua didn’t have to open his eyes to see who was coming toward him. He could never forget that voice. Joshua sat up but didn’t have time to turn around.

  “Oh my God, bro, I missed you so much,” Mokwa said as he sat down next to Joshua, wrapping his arms around him as he did so. “It’s so good to see you again.”

  Joshua melted into Mokwa’s arms as a rush of painful emotions surfaced, disturbing his perfect tranquility. All the trauma he had experienced, from Levi’s bullying to Cody’s betrayal, from Pastor Bob’s cruelty to the tragic death of a young boy, all invaded Joshua’s inner peace, eliciting a loud and emotional flood of tears. He returned Mokwa’s loving embrace, but he could say nothing. All he could do was cry. And as he wrapped his arms around Mokwa and felt the comfort of his strong arms, he remembered how much he ha
d loved Mokwa, and how much he still loved him. And then he cried even harder.

  MOKWA HELD Joshua in his arms for what seemed like hours, as the two gazed at the tranquil blue lake. But it couldn’t have been that long. The sun still hung just barely above the tree-lined horizon. However long the two had been there, Mokwa was obviously getting anxious. He had always been there for Joshua, but there was only so much sadness he could take before his normal, fun-loving personality reasserted itself. Joshua didn’t take it personally.

  “So, bro, whenever you’re done with the waterworks, feel free to tell me what you’re doing here.”

  Joshua sniffed in response, his head still leaning on Mokwa’s shoulder. His vision was blurred from a flood of tears.

  “Can’t we just do this for a bit longer?” he muttered, his voice betraying a deep pain.

  “Yeah, sure, no problem.” Mokwa tightened his embrace. But his head turned as he looked around anxiously, as though looking for something else to do. “So, how much longer exactly?” he asked, after only a few seconds.

  Joshua chuckled a bit between sniffles. It felt so good to laugh again. He decided it was about time he gave Mokwa a break. “Fine, we can talk.”

  “Hey, no hurry, bro,” Mokwa said.

  “Come on, I’ll tell you everything,” Joshua said. He got up and stretched.

  “Okay, if you insist,” Mokwa said, skillfully presenting the suggestion as though it had been Joshua’s all along.